Sunday, November 22, 2009 @ 12:37 PM
Saturday, November 21, 2009 @ 1:12 PM
TMR IS NOVEMBER XP ALREADYi am EXCITED.
but tired, and my whole body is aching ):
Monday, November 16, 2009 @ 12:46 AM
you tell me how am i suppose to let go after liking you for so many so many so many months?
dont you think it is just too much for me?
the news is shocking. i appear calm.. no one other than my sisters knows how hard i cried the 2 nights. if not for them, i cant imagine whats worse.
i had intended to wait for you till after your As. but what have you done to me? what is all these?
if she was someone else, i may feel less sad.
but why her. why did you choose to be like this?
please dont force me to say i hate you because i dont want to ..
how am i going to go for xp like this. you tell me you tell me . the only way out is to skip it.
12:38 AM
i want to find my inner peace.
i dont want to go run tmr.
what is the point?
go for wad.
friends? fuck.
odac? hell
run? i hate running pls.
iz, i dont want to see him
ropes. it is a burden
take bus. waste money waste petrol
wake up early. sleep deprive
set alarm. waste battery
wear running shirt. waste my mum effort to wash
i need to talk to you.
12:32 AM
i really don't have the heart to go for xp. i dont feel anything for odac. it seems like odac doesnt need me. my presence is not important anyway. whats the point.
im really tired of all these.
on the surface, we are both so happy. yes we appear to be. omgg i cant write on anymore. what is this VSNHBSICNKN8dhwf8r123478549382289$%^&*)#$%^&*()(*#$%^&*()
i think it is much better i dont see you. i dont see you for trainings. i dont see you for xp. im sick of acting fine in front of u so that u can feel better. but who is there to care about me. life suck suck scuskcscjc0sc sukcs,,v
im losing myself... what is this,, im sick and tired . when i say i am, i am. frreeakkkkkkkkk
Thursday, November 12, 2009 @ 9:24 PM
to the guy:
i thought i was right in doing this. but i guess it is my only choice. or maybe there just isnt any choices for me to choose from. i had to forget. i had to give up.
i thought i could do this. i thought could give up. i thought for the past two weeks i didnt let myself shed a tear, i was strong enough to face it all. i thought i could keep myself busy so that i wouldnt think about you. i thought i actually succeeded in forgetting you. i thought all these was reality.
at times i had really hoped that this was actually a dream. at the very most i wouldnt be sad after waking up. but all these were just too much of a reality for me to face it alone, and accepting it against my very own will.
i thought that i was resilient enough to endure this, to accept this, to keep going strong. but these aint the truth. the truth is im avoiding all these so that i wouldnt cry. it is not worth crying over.
i put your photos away, every bits of your memory is kept away. but the song
Right Here Waiting still lingers at the back of my head, at the bottom of my heart. i can still remember the times when you taught me to play this song on the keys. but they're all nothing but just sad memories that i really wish i could simply throw it away.
the only thing that was pulling me through was my friends and my family, especially my sisters. i love them a lot (: but i now realised that friends are superficial. sorry about stereotyping, but thats what i perceive you to be. im sorry im sorry im sorry. i dont want to lose myself in this. at this rate that im going, i think im going to choose to withdraw from xp. whats the point of going through this when things just gets superficial. i mean i would rather to be alone. i want to travel alone. i dont want to have any burdens. i want my life to be free. i think this will got to be my last love matter that i would ever want myself to get into again. love is pain, heartless.
to the girl:
the thing that i said i wanted to give you since like a couple of weeks back was actually a letter. i wanted to write to you, but i haven't pen down anything. maybe it is hard for you to approach me. given myself in your shoes, perharps i'll have the same fear. but i wouldnt do what you did. sorry if this gets a bit blunt here, but i'll just be direct. i wouldnt choose to take the path you took if i were in your shoes. i had treasured friendship more than bgr. really.. that is why i am sad when i realised you chose to hurt me.. i was sad i really was. now probably the only thing i ask of you is to be my good friend. i really need your support. i guessed you had already knew that i know about you and him. but i really really hope that you could tell me personally. really, perharps if you were frank with me, i wouldnt be sad. i dont know actually. you can be a good friend girl, i really hope that you are one to me. i really want to forget all these. but i think my mental strength isnt strong enough, im not as resilient...
>> expedition, question is should i go? actually come to think of it, i hadnt really asked myself, i hadnt really given myself a choice between odac xp and class cip. now i think it is quite meaningless to go for xp. people are superficial. i cant trust friends anymore. i cant find one good reason to go for xp. not for myself. i was never meant to go for xp, it is not something i enjoy doing. going for xp was for you guys, but now things seem ugly. my choice is changed. so tmr i'm going to sit in for hours solely for xp planning.. and astro after that. i have no astro homework.. whats the point anyway.
im not doing myself any good. i dont know what to do. and it is just so much i could see about it. whats there in life.. i have only one death wish. that is to go to the himalayas in nepal, walk the trails once again, see the village, feel the peace there, alone.
Saturday, November 07, 2009 @ 12:06 PM
I'm not as strong as you think i am.
Thursday, November 05, 2009 @ 12:07 PM
I'm always getting home drenched.
Survived 6 days without tears.
Survived 6 days without writing.
Survived 6 days getting myself occupied with op, xp.
Survived because i want to.
Survived because i had to.
Survived because i had no choice.
It's time to let go. I'll try.
Thursday, October 29, 2009 @ 8:19 PM
I realised that i should treasure life. An influential person spoke to me today. So i shared my troubles with this person. He made me realise that i am actually a foolish girl, just like his past. But comparing my troubles to his, mine is just a small hill, his is a big mountain.
I just received an email. In this email, it writes '' Helping Hands are Better Than Praying Lips''. A girl was born to a poor couple, and the unfortunate thing is that she has brain cancer from birth. Her parents has no money to pay for her medical bills. She is struggling to fight for her survival, whereas her parents are doing their best to give the best to their daughter. This email reminds me of those innocent lives lost in typhoons, floods, earthquakes, terrorism, wars. They were unlucky, they were forfeited of their chance to live their only life.
So these just chance upon me that i should be living my life to help others. I am lucky to be a healthy girl. I have a wonderful mother. I have two lovely sisters. I have my gugu and gor gor. I have my class. I have laopengyou. I have my odac. I have the peace. I have so many so many things i should treasure. My energy and attention should be channeled to them.
My battle- Mind Over Heart, is Defeated.
When i can no longer keep within.
Friday, October 23, 2009 @ 10:36 PM
but you still hold the key to my door, do you know?
Wednesday, October 21, 2009 @ 12:25 AM
This is my 101st post (:
So i have come to a conclusion that i am tired, really. Tired of guessing, tired of overcoming my fear but always failing, tired of blogging about you, tired of being so hypocritical in front of her when i don't want to hurt our friendship but she just did it unknowingly, tired of fruitless attempts in getting rid you off my mind when i'm down to serious work, tired of losing focus because of you, tired of looking at your photos in search for hope but rendering myself hopeless in the end.
I AM TIRED, really but i still cant let go.
Why am i putting myself through all these misery. i will age faster this way :/
Some random quote of the day from fb
''LOOK FOR THE BEAUTY AROUND YOU, IN OTHERS, IN YOURSELF''
(:
Tuesday, October 20, 2009 @ 11:56 PM
Wa. I really cannot take it already. This is a strain on my brain cells and i don't wish to see them die out one by one. But then again, i can't find an answer to what i really want. I will go like ''huh???''. My train of thoughts is running on a negative railway. When will it ever resume back to the norm... Whenever i see you, i'm sort of non-existing. Has it ever occurred to you that you might want to say hi or bye /: And when the third factor comes in, it just disrupts my entire routine. I almost broke down and cry during today's family run when it occured to me that... ... charmaine should know why ><
So i guess i really need to take this off my mind, i'm trying real hard. But then again right, i'm always stuck at this junction. I am lost. Where is my guide out of this misery? I need to rid this, so that i can focus on xp planning, morning runs, pw. Help me god of all walls.
Monday, October 19, 2009 @ 8:53 PM
KABOOOOM! to my brains.
by odac odac odac xp xp xp inr inr inr.
2:46 AM
I can't sleep though i'm tired.
Being apart lets one know how precious the other is to him/her. Does this line still hold true?
12:43 AM
I knew i was this close to losing you, but i did nothing.
Now i think i've lost you, entirely.
But i really don't want to lose you...
I'm sorry, but i'm really lost, I really don't know what to do.
-though you will never chance upon this.
Sunday, October 18, 2009 @ 11:28 PM
WHAT HELL
I trusted you so much yet you choose to hurt me. what the hell.
Iam angry but i cant say why.
Thats the end of friendship.
Goodbye
Saturday, October 17, 2009 @ 10:34 PM
My schedule for xp planning is everyday?
HAHA. there is InR coming up and i'm not say prepared to do it well.
And there is OP which i dread.
who knows i may just fail promos and be grounded for xp.
Thursday, October 15, 2009 @ 11:24 PM
I just realised my second blog's skin is nicer than this.
So feel like switching to wp. ><
XP planning is a lot a lot a lot to do. I'm getting scared.
Monday, October 12, 2009 @ 10:00 PM
LALALA~
I've created a secondary blog using wordpress. All those letters i can't type here, i will post it there. But it's not for anyone else to read...
tell me i'm supposed to read 2 books of hci econs tmr in school at 8am
i bet i will not understand a single thing lol
):
TOMORROW IS TUESDAYMy 'school' starts tomorrow at 8am in the library with amandapanda. We are going to study econs together. so i'm going to share with you my two very useful revision books from my sister. oh well, i guess this is gonna be insane because i am going for 10 hours of revision tomorrow. It is gonna once in a lifetime i swear.
My itunes is insane. It has been playing songs since i hit the exit key half an hour ago. And it is still playing. BACKSIDE!
5:22 PM
Anticipating the
END OF PROMOS (:
the list of things to do after promo is getting longer and longer.
so i shall start with
WEDNESDAY.
-1T27 FIRST CLASS dinner @ FISH n CO, Paragon 5pm
-bakerz from 6 to 10pm o.O ( buy macarons for the humans )
ya, because of me, dear charmaine chose paragon, so that i can make it in time for bakerz.
and 1T27 humans, do come for blueberry cheesecake after which (:
next next NEXT!!!
THURSDAY IS NO SCHOOL DAY. (feeling sad for ELL ppl like amethyst awww >< )
-go eliza house to start nov xp planning [ yet to confirm though]
-swimming in the morning (:
-bakerz from 6 to 10pm
FRIDAY is a school day, oh well. It is also 16 october... ...
-pw op pw op pw op OMG
-night time is time for myself. i'm gonna take random buses around singapore. some places in mind-clarke quay, see the city lights, east of singapore.
SATURDAY is a family day
-FAMILY PHOTOSHOOT at some hotel i don't know which.
SUNDAY is a hmmm..-yet to fill anything into my list.
or maybe i shall stay home to watch ''where a legend begins''
CHARMAINE!! LEND ME THE DISC (:
Saturday, October 10, 2009 @ 12:54 AM
im sorry and thank you sy.
Friday, October 09, 2009 @ 11:41 PM
cause i really want you to stay here with me~
11:29 PM
~我也很想他
那时我们总有好多话
什么事都可以讲
我的爱情比你早
却一直放在心上
后来你们之间的变化
我不想再多说话
经过了相遇 挣扎
我还是无法将他放下
那是多久后的事了
一天你突然问我
那个时候是否也爱着他
也很想他
我们都一样
在他的身上曾找到翅膀
只是那时的他
是因为你他开始飞翔
我也很想他
在某个地方
我少了尴尬你少了肩膀
而夏天还是那么短
思念却很长
还记得那年我们三人许下的愿望
星骗了我们我们却因此上了一课
长必修的学分
我们都一样
-ssyz
Wednesday, October 07, 2009 @ 12:29 PM
hohoho.
chemistry sucks.
i am stupid to choose not to do the energetics question. lol
exact same, copy paste. omg
12:15 AM
omg, what am i doing to myself?
i have wasted today watching 5 episodes of moonlight resonance,
when chemistry paper is just a few hours away.
and i have organic chem and energetics left undone..
ohno~~~
anyway, in the midst of struggling with chemistry, i have decided to plan what to do after promos. and the good news is promos is ending on 14oct, 8 more days to go. i wrote the list in my precious moments notebook which i have decided to use it after keeping for few years.
1. take night buses to random places in singapore, alone
2. swimming
3. watch ''where the legend begins''
4. finish watching ''moonlight resonance''
5. mahjong
6. night cycling ____
7. swimming ____
lalalalalalalalala
alrights, goodnights and wish me luck for chemistry :)
